My Treatises for a Classless Society

Students! Throw away your books! You can include your diarrhea-prone pens and unused notebooks! Just bring yourself and perhaps one of life's basic necessities: instant noodles. Or whatever. Heed my call! Together, we shall march our Chuck Taylors and Havaianas to wherever our uncorrupted intellect may take us. For we are about to embark on this lifelong struggle for a society that our jovial, freedom-loving, and individualistic societal designation - the student body - has so badly longed for: a classless society.

Tama mga iskulmeyts, isang lipunang walang klase!

And in light of these pronouncements, let me present my treatises why we should skip classes altogether and frolic someplace else with the consenting members of the opposite sex. While the majority of it maybe personal, I do believe that many of you feel that same weight on my back that our older kindred has so unjustly derided as laziness. Injustice, my test cheatmates, injustice!

So please indulge me some of your inordinate attention, for I won't be worthy of it once we achieve this much-desired success.

1. The school is but another instrument of the state in order to perpetuate the existing dominant ideology. The pursuit of superficial achievements like A's, unos, and teacher's praises are the ideological gordian knots that we can't untie. And these cater to the whims of those elite snotty grade-conscious geeks! I dare say we cut it to free ourselves. Right, cut the ties that bind! Cutting-classes!

2. The professors are state police disguised as old grumpy terror teachers. Indeed, the very description doesn't escape our critical eyes - they are terror profs! Born, created, trained, and machinated to sow terror unto the unwilling minds of students, causing them sleepless nights and zombified looks. Why? Thesis, term papers and other requirements, that's why! And haven't you noticed how *name of your prof* looks very much like a politician? Some of them might even be murderous aliens from the galactic outskirts.

3. Our parents are willing accomplices in this conspiracy. You noticed how our allowances are just barely enough for food and transportation fees? Because having extra moolah will tempt us to exercise that little power for recreation (and maybe procreation). Break free from this financial hegemony!

4. Environmental protection. Test papers only add up to the already-growing mountains of waste. Just think of the next generation's welfare. No test papers, no trees cut, one healthy earth. Happy!

5. Expanded Economic Growth through Consumer Buying. Imagine the remarkable and unprecedented growth of the Philippine economy not seen since the Stone Age if we students will embark on days-long shopping spree. The hours of being cooped inside the room can be productively turned into hours of spending. The student-led consumer spending will encourage investments which will in turn bring economic prosperity. Be a responsible citizen. The fate of the country is in our hands. Spend now!

6. The threat of terrorism. Terrorism knows no boundaries. Who knows, some heartbroken suicidal wacko might try to assuage his depression by eating truckloads of camote, onions, beans and Coca-Cola, and then do thousand sit-ups inside our canteen - where we are miserably spending our school-imposed 30-minute break. There right beside us is a weapon of mass destruction waiting to explode. See? The higher order's futile attempt to brainwash is putting us more in danger. Public places like school are potential targets. We are better off inside our houses.

7. Global Warming. Our crusade's success will be nothing but a pyrrhic one if we won't have any earth to go to. The planet is in grave danger of apocalyptic annihilation if it continues to heat up like siopao left inside the steamer. One study shows that city congestion abets this doomsday. Carbon dioxide from our breath and noxious fumes from the vehicles we use commute to school adds more fuel to this impending hell. Save the earth!

8. The television and the Internet are the new fountains of knowledge. The knowledge we seek cannot be found inside the restrictive confines of the state-run classrooms. It can only be found outside and paradoxically, inside our houses - right there on our table and desktops. The internet is the cornucopia, the Bible, the Holy Grail, and the Rosetta Stone of all mortal knowledge. There's no porn inside the classroom, my sensuous comrades!

9. Your lady love isn't available for a date because of hectic academic schedule. Ah, injustices of all injustices! A flower of love blooming inside the barren grounds of the campus is but a futile attempt in emotional gardening. It's a story with a foregone conclusion bereft of any romantic narration of critical details that only precious moments of being together can provide. Make love, not war. And not inside the classroom.

These, my despondent comrades shackled by this oppressive school run by an old unmarried virgin principal, are my treatises. We march forward and never shall we turn back. As some crazy smelly-looking bearded German guy once said: Students of the world, unite! For we have nothing to lose but our grades!

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From my book (kuno): Rationalizing Laziness

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*Sigh* Look what thesis can do to me. :/